Never

Weather man said it's gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold
Mid-February shouldn't be so scary
It was only December
I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me
But you went away
How dare you, I miss you
They say I'll be OK
But I'm not going to ever get over you
Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I'm not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
'Cause you sing along with every song
I know you didn't mean to give them to me
But you went away
How dare you, I miss you
They say I'll be OK
But I'm not going to ever get over you
It really sinks in, you know
When I see it in stone
'Cause you went away,
How dare you, I miss you
They say I'll be OK

But I'm not going to ever get over you

 

 

Songwriters: SHELTON, BLAKE / LAMBERT, MIRANDA

How I'm feeling today 2/21/15

well...
I honestly don't know how I'm feeling.
It's been 6 weeks tomorrow since we never got to say goodbye to Jon.  6 weeks since I touched and kissed his cold face on the last day I ever got to see him alive before walking away from my love and going home lone for the first time.

But what I can tell you is the pain is so real.  And so strong.  And has not let up.  Everyone that tells me that time will lessen the pain.... it hasn't yet.  In fact, it's worse.  Everyday without Jon is another day without him.  And that is just unbearable!!

I feel ungrateful when I'm sad and don't think about the amazing man that lived and loved and shared his life with us.  I feel ungrateful when I do smile and remember the good times and laugh and have a good time because I'm not crying over the man I lost.
This is why I have no clue what to feel right now.

But what I do know?  He should never have died.  He did not deserve to die.  And I can't accept the fact that he did die.  It's not fair!!  It's not fair that he doesn't get to watch his children grow up.  It's not fair that he doesn't get to finish watching the Walking Dead.  It's not fair that he doesn't get to live out our lives the way we had always planned to do.  It just isn't fair that he is dead!!!!!
I do know that he was an amazing man.  So accepting, forgiving, supportive, loving, patient, grouchy,handsome, gentle, firm.... and he has left such a void in my life that I can't even catch my breath sometimes!

And what I'm really pissed about right now??  We went to his cousins wedding today and I watched his bride and her father share a beautiful dance to the song "Time after Time"... and I realized that Jon and Rielly will never have that dance at her wedding.
And that is NOT FAIR!!!

Well.... Reality SUCKS!!!

It has a been a great while since I have posted but all that is about to change. Because my whole world has changed and I need an outlet to just write.

I will warn you- from here on out, these postings may or may not make sense. And I don't care. They will contain a lot of swearing because I am a pissed off woman these days. And they will make you cry because I will be crying a lot as I post. And if they don't, grow a heart! So here goes....

The love of my life, my husband, my soul mate, the man of my dreams and the father of my two beautiful children died on January 11th, 2015 at 10:22pm.

There you have it.

It has taken me 5 weeks to even want to write anything about it but I feel I need to. Not just for me but for my children and for him. Because he lived. He lived 36 wonderful years. Well I don't know about the first 22yrs (I can speculate from what he told me but it isn't my place to share that time in his life) but he lived 14yr wonderful years because those are the years I knew and loved Jonathan Wayne Harris. And I will always love him. But now he is gone.

The evening of January 11th, I made our family chili cheese dogs (no longer allowed in my house) and sat down to watch tv just like any typical Sunday evening. Jon had been sick off an on and his ankle bothered him for over a week but that night he was feeling good so he fixed himself his usual girly drink- strawberry Sunny-D and pineapple rum after the kids went to bed and we sat down to watch Sister Wives. I hate that show!!!
If I ever met Kody Brown, I would want to first castrate him and then punch him in the face repeatedly with his pencil penis and my fist. He is such a condescending and controlling douche bag.

Anyways so I was bitching about that and Jon was playing trivia crack and all was perfectly normal. He got up to use the bathroom and came back down and sat next to me and his head fell back and he started making weird snoring sounds. I nudged him hard because it freaked me out and I asked him if I needed to call 911. He said no and for about 20seconds, he seemed fine. Until it happened again but this time, his whole body fell on me and he projectile vomited everywhere. I was already dialing 911 and screaming because I knew something wasn't right. Jon was in and out of consciousness and between the two of us and my adrenaline, I was able to get him on the floor.
The 911 dispatcher was AWFUL and I was basically screaming at him. He kept saying "ma'am I can't help you unless you calm down"... so after a few MANY f-bombs were thrown out at him, my door busted open and paramedics came in and all I could do was stand in the corner and cry.
Reese kept coming down and I told him to get upstairs but he was as freaked out as I was. Rielly was thankfully still kind of asleep at that moment. So they got Jon into the ambulance, I called the neighbors to watch the kids... the last thing I saw when driving away was Rielly in her window crying and watching and Reese at the doorway completely freaked out.

There're other details that remain really un-important to everyone else but me but when I got to the hospital, I was too hysterical watching what they were doing to my husband that they took me into the "quiet room" where I remained until the drs came in.
It doesn't matter to the masses who was there with me but what matters is that when 2 doctors walk into the quiet room and close the door, prepare for the worst. Because they will give you the worst!!! They told me that my husband, my best friend in the whole world, had 2 massive heart attacks and they were unable to revive him when he got to the hospital. So at 10:22pm on Jan 11th, his life left this world, and I wish mine had as well.

As you can imagine, this is very painful for me to write so I will sign off now. Everything is still so fresh.
But I do eventually want to share the strength my children showed from the moment they learned until now. They are the gift that keeps me living.

So here's my warning... I'm writing this here because this is my own personal space in the world that people can come because they want to- not because my woe is me pops up on their news feed. So if anger and bitterness and tears and love and MY LIFE is too much to handle, please don't come here. That is your choice. My hope though is that I can help others who someday, your god forbid, will have to go through this or anyone who just wants a fresh perspective of how real and fresh and short life really is or you're just my friend and you love me and don't mind me bitching about my reality.

Until next time, cheers Jon! I love you more than you'll ever know!

Moving....again?!?

So about 2 weeks ago, I was cruising around online and drooling over new homes in the area.
We have been wanting to buy a home for awhile but because of our short sale several years ago, we just weren't sure it was a good time.
 But the more we looked at these houses, we thought looking what is the harm in just looking??

So we lucked out on getting this amazing real estate agent Amy K.(if you're looking for one in the Nashville area, she is a must!) and started checking out homes in Smyrna.
Nothing was doing it for us.

So after branching out into Murfreesboro and a dozen or two houses later, we stumbled on this house that had everything we wanted!
From the outside, we weren't too impressed right away because of how close the houses are together. But completely wow'd when we went in.

Hardwood floors, like new carpet, stainless steel INCLUDED appliances, great paint colors and in AMAZING condition!
Plus the size is perfect!
And the schools are a 10!

But then Amy tells us the house already had a bid that was being submitted that day!
We honestly had no intentions of putting an offer in yet since we really didn't want to pull the kids out of school in the middle of the year.
But then we didn't want to lose the chance. And what harm would it be to give the other buyers a little competition. Honestly though because we couldn't close right away, we really didn't think we stood a chance.

SILLY US!
They accepted!!
Of course we are having to close much earlier than we wanted.
But we'll just have 2 houses until schools out.

Thank goodness having 2 months without a mortgage payment!
So now we wait.

But here is our house...if all goes well! I just wish it was my decor too!!!

Rec Room upstairs

Office but will also be our piano room

HUGE walkin closets

Kids bathroom

Very nice hardwood floors

Dining room

Guest full bathroom

Master bathroom

kitchen

Laundry room

Living room

Backyard (we'll be having a fence installed)

Master bedroom... I want their furniture!!

Master Bedroom closet.... this pic shows about half the size.  HUGE!

Garage

Entry Way

Upstairs hall

So there we have it.  We'll be moving in end of May...anyone want to come visit?!?!?!

Post from Shannon: stepping out of my comfort zone

Hey my 2 followers!
I'm taking a risk in writing today because I don't know what the outcome will be.  But I'm going to open myself up to you and anyone else that ever comes across this blog and this post.  Please read with an open mind and an open heart while I share something very personal and heartfelt with you; my life.

The last year or so has been the biggest life changing time of my life.  And to be honest, they have been the best I have had in a long time.
I've been finding myself. I'm not there yet. I have a long way to go. But I'm getting closer.
Yes I've lost a bunch of weight.  And yes I've been working my butt off getting an education.  But that isn't what I want to write about today.

I'll preface this with a disclaimer.  What I'm writing is only for me.  And my journey.  Not my kids, not my husbands.  Just mine and mine alone.

For 33 years, I've been a part of something that was great.  Great for millions of people.  Something that brings peace and happiness.  Something that is beautiful. 
Something that I never felt was for me.
I will never regret the experiences I have had because without being a part of this, I would have never met my husband.  I would then never have had my amazing children.  I wouldn't have met some great people that I hope will remain my friends throughout all this.  So it will always remain a part of my life.

This is where the change comes in.
Deep Breath...
I know many of you already know this but for those that don't,

I no longer believe in the gospel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I have had many spiritual experiences in my life that I will forever cherish.  And those experiences I can't discount as coming from a higher power to soften my heart and keep me believing and to have a greater understanding of Gods love for me. 
I always assumed I had these because of the organization I was a part of. 
But for me, that is no longer true. 

God loves me because I'm a good person.
I don't have to be a part of a man made organization to know that. 

How do I know this? 

Well....I used to be extremely judgmental. 
*I* used to think that being a part of this organization was the only way anyone could return to live with God again. And not just a part of it but an active time and money giving, rule following, long underwear wearing, no coffee or alcohol drinking, guarded tolerance of others who are different, perfect submissive homemaker and mother part of it.
Please understand that not every member is like this.. but this is how I felt I had to be in order to be with my family again after this life in the highest kingdom of eternity.
And I was failing.  Miserably.
And I was/am depressed.  Zoloft daily depressed.
Going to church was painful.  Listening to the lessons from people saying that all I needed to do was pray and read my scriptures and have faith (faith in what??) and everything would work out left me with anger because what was wrong with me that doing those things wasn't working.  Why wasn't I happy then?
And that lead me to wonder other things....
Maybe I wasn't happy because I was in a bubble that was holding me down. 
That I don't have to be all those things.
It just wasn't me.

So I took a deep breath and started climbing out of the bubble. 
I started asking questions of WHY I was supposed to do all those things to gain my eternal salvation when all God asks of us is to love HIM and love my neighbors. 
Where did these rules come from?  Were they truly from God or from someone trying to gain some sort of control by making me think this was the only way to be with my family again? 
And why was I not happy when I was told by doing those things, that is the only way I'll be happy?
Why would God require them from me and those in this one particular organization but to hell (literally) with everyone else?

That lead me to other questions...
Patriarchy in the organization
Revelations vs. Social change and pressure (ie blacks in priesthood, women's rights)
Polygamy in the beginning and how it's still practiced today (it is..)
Polyandry (look it up)
Brigham Young... ohhhhh that man!
Views on homosexuality
Peep stones
Book of Abraham
Plagiarism in the BofM
Early temple ceremonies
Current temple ceremonies
etc etc etc

So I would ask but could never get a real answer other than to not ask.  And to just have faith. And that asking or questioning is bad and I should never do it.
But if this is all so true, why is asking questions bad?  There should be nothing to hide. Right?
Why am I expected to give my life and everything that goes with it without knowing why?

So needless to say, I started looking for answers on my own.  I've gotten a lot of criticism for that too. 

But asking and finding some answers has brought me to where I am now.

I've realized that I don't know what's true and wasn't isn't.
And that's ok.
I'll never stop asking questions that I want the answers for.  That's just who I am.
And I'm going to live my life the way I want to. 
And to love others UNconditionally. 
And to accept people for who they are. 
And to be tolerant.

This is what the God I want to know asks of me. 

So I'm cutting the ties that bind and I am going to get to know God without the restraint that I had put on myself.
I'm going to accept and love myself.  It's going to take time but I'm going to get there. 
I'm not going to feel guilty anymore for things I have no control of.
This is a struggle though.  Because for 33years, I've let myself think that God will punish me for eternity if I do certain things or think certain things or feel certain things.  But honestly how can such a merciful and loving God do that to me when I am still a good person?  If we are created in His image and our ultimate goal is to become like Him, is that the person I want to be?  So I don't think God is this way.  And the only way for me to come to terms with this is to separate myself from the source of these feelings.
And like I said, I have let myself feel this way.  They didn't make me.  I did it. 


Because there is a HUGE difference for me between spirituality and religious and I have become a more spiritual person the less religious I have become.

So what do I believe?

I believe that we are all equal in the eyes of the creator. Equal.  He loves us ALL.  The creator that I want to believe in anyways.

I believe that if we live a good full life, we will be entitled to what God has for us in the eternities.  He won't keep me from my family because I indulge in a cup of coffee or a glass of wine or decide to go swimming on Sunday.  He won't keep my sister from her husband because they were married in Vegas and he's Jewish. 

I believe there's potential for good in everyone.  Well most everyone.  Even the jerkoff who broke into my car.  But people who hurt children... well that's another story. 

I believe in the laws of the land as sucky as some can be.  No one is above them even if they think they are.  No church, no politician, no one.

I believe that we are entitled to happiness.  I believe in happiness.  And the pursuit of happiness.

And I believe that beliefs can change.  And it's okay.  It's progressive.  We are creatures of change.  It's constant.  Just embrace it and don't hide from it.  Own the change and own the past.  It's ours!

One thing I do want to clear up though.  There's a common misconception among the church community in which they think those that walk away from the organization do it because:
*they are offended
*desire to "sin"
*faithless and lazy
I know this because I have thought the same things.  And maybe for some that's the case.  But for many, this is just not true.  And for me it's not at all.  My need to step back is based on my desire for truth and personal happiness that I was unable to find within the religion.  That's not to say it will always be this way.  And that's not to say I won't go to church at all ever again.  I will go when I feel I need it.  Not because I'm obligated to.  I will go if my children want to go because I won't deny them their own quest for knowledge and happiness.

So there you have it friend(s).  I know some people will think I'm a lost cause. 
And that's okay. 
But I know I'm not. 
And those that truly love me and care about me will always love me and care about me. 
No Matter What!
This was not a decision taken lightly.  Many tears and prayers have gone into learning what I have and feeling as I do. 

Love,
Shannon

Remember me??

What a slacker am I???

So much to blog, so little time.
SO I'll just start from where I am now.

Semester #2 is almost over at MTSU. So ready for that!!!! Looking forward to a funfilled summer! Nashville Shores, Florida, Universal Studios, Disney, beach and best of all; NO SCHOOL!!!

I'm fully recovered from my Gastric Bypass surgery and feeling great! I've down just over 65lbs and feeling great! I hope to lose another 20 but having not been this size since exiting the womb, I'm pretty happy with it!

Kids are doing great. It was a hard adjustment for Reese especially with his new school but he is getting the hang of it. They are both playing soccer now and both in piano lessons and really enjoying it.

Jon's job is great! Got a raise and a bonus this year and we've been really blessed from it.

Life has been kind of a struggle for me personally. Without going into too many details yet, I've starting looking for some answers to questions I've had for a very long time and finding them has been a difficult journey.
Life can be tricky sometimes but one thing I do know- God loves me and He will always be by side. That's a beautiful thing!

So forgive me that I can't catch you all up from my last posting but I hope to be better from now on. But I'll leave you with a thought for today that I've really found to be true:


 

I'm still here!!!!!

Hey all! I'm still here I promise! I am so behind in updating that I don't know where to even begin! I've been posting a bit over on www.runphattyrun.blogspot.com just abou my surgery and all. But once life slows down, I'll get this page back up and running! Just know: Kids are doing great We moved and love our new house in Smyrna Going back to school in your 30's is not as easy as it seems Life is good Love you all!