In it was an article on Infertility.
"Infertility is not uncommon—some 15 percent of couples in the United States have difficulty conceiving a child; other countries throughout the world show similar figures. In 40 percent of instances, the wife is infertile. In another 40 percent, the problem rests with the husband. In 10 percent of cases, both are infertile, and in the remaining 10 percent, the cause is unknown. In the context of the Church, where the family is celebrated as the fundamental unit of society, not having children can be an especially difficult challenge."
In our case, not having any more children can be difficult. We definately have truely been blessed with 2 that we fortunately didn't struggle conceiving with and are so in love with them and couldn't imagine life without them.
But as you all know.. secondary infertility has been definately a struggle for us.. more so in the past few months. And lately I've been pretty lonely and subdued because of it. Jon is very supportive but he too is hurting- just doesn't show it in the way I do.
It's hard to talk about it and try to make people see that yes it sucks but it's not a disibility. I'm not an emotionally unstable person unable to function in a world of growing populations. But I don't hide it because it's something I have no control over.
I've also entered a very uncomfortable place in my life that because I don't have young children (under the kindergarten age anyways), that I suddenly don't fit in with those that do. I'm 31yrs old and I'm too old to hang out now with people my age and too young to hang out with people in my position. Why? Because I don't have small children. I don't get invited to anything! Activities and playdates go on around me with people I consider friends but because I'm alone in the day without my children..not by choice, I am completely forgotten about. It's a struggle because even though my kids are now schoolage, I'm still a relatively young mom. And moms-no matter the situation- need support. And I can't help but wonder if part of the reason I don't get included in even lunch get togethers or hang outs at the parks in the afternoons is because people don't think I can handle being around young kids. And don't want to hear my sob story. Again- I'm not a leper! And I don't want to steal children! I just want to have friends!! And I am loosing out on so many friendships because of this.. which sucks for me and for them because I'm pretty cool.
I was told once that people don't say anything to me because they don't know what to say since they have never been there. So not only have I been ostrasized because of my lack to produce anymore but I am also left out of any social gatherings because those that I have produced are no longer of age. And darn it, when I do things at my house during the day, I don't exclude anyone with kids! They are always welcomed. So I just don't get it I guess. Oh well.. just a new season in life I entered into unwillingly and too soon that I need to get used to.
Needless to say, it's been a trying time. But I'll get through it. Round 1 of the fertility treatments failed. So here's to round 2.. more charting and timing and pills and blood tests. But whatever it takes!
The other day, a friend actually asked me how I was doing with the ovulating (because I finally am with the help of clomid- not that it did any good). She didn't try to offer me advise on how to have a baby or say anything to make me feel bad for not being able to- she just listened and said "you know, I don't know what you're going through but I am so sorry you are dealing with this- it has to be so hard". And it was genuine!! Then the subject was changed and I felt so good that even though she doesn't relate, she's not ignoring me or avoiding me because of it.
Another common misconception of those struggling with this is people thinking we don't want to be around babies. For the record, I love babies. I love being around them. Believe it or not, children are healing. Being around them doesn't make me bitter. They make me happy-envious but happy. Pregnancy and children are truely miracles and blessings and if I can't become a mother to any more, I welcome the chance to give that love to other children.
I do get sad about my lot in life right now. And I do get jealous...totally normal. And admittingly, I get extremely angry! But I am still human! And what people forget is that it's so much more common than they know. And if you get tired of hearing about it.. how do you think I feel dealing with it? It gets old! :)
Anyways the purpose of this post was to talk about the article. Not to go off on a tangent of my new outcastness but it's kind of how I roll. I encourage anyone to read this article if you haven't already:)
And here's hopeing next month brings a little baby dust to the Harris family! http://lds.org/ensign/2011/04/faith-and-infertility?lang=eng
5 comments:
That really was a great article! I'm so sorry you have been feeling like an outcast lately! I know how hard it can be to be the outsider. It's very lonely! I hope you get great results this month!!!
Hey Shannon! If it makes you feel better, I never get invited to the "mom" things either...and I have a 2 year old to drag along :) Sometimes I find them based on being in the same place (like storytime) but I've never once been invited to lunch or anything like that. So, let's have our own playdate this week. John is going out of town, so Boo would especially love a Miss Shannon sized playmate one morning! If you'd like to hangout with us (I worry that we are an imposition...I mean you MUST have better things to do during the day than listen to me whine and play with my kiddo), we'd love to spend some time with you! Love you and Yay for the Ensign:)
I've never struggled with infertility in any way so I can't begin to imagine what you feel about that, but I am sad for you. Personally I have struggled with some of the other feelings you mention. My youngest started kindergarten this year, and yes my circle has gotten smaller. I didn't even realize I would miss playgroup, until suddenly I wasn't part of that world anymore. Add in the fact that I have high school age children as well, I quite often feel like I am caught between worlds! I have weeks when I don't have a real meaningful conversation with any adult but my husband (which is not a bad thing) and I feel lonely. But then I also realize I do have a couple of really good friends that I can call, and sometimes I get grouchy because I have to be the one to reach out. Sometimes those friends are sitting around feeling the same way! I'm sorry this comment has turned into a book, I just wanted to say, you are not alone! Wish we lived closer then we could hang out and be happy the kids are at school!
Still praying for you guys! Next time you make a trip to Utah we really need to get together! Heck, who knows, maybe we will have baby's about the same age, sense we will be trying for #3 in June(ish). ;) Hope things work out for you guys and thank you so much for your friendship! You are an amazing woman! Love you so much!
I didn't know you were dealing with this. That's rough! I'm sorry.
Maybe it's a stretch, but have you thought about home-schooling as an option? Stoker did home-school for part of his schooling and loved it. His mom was a stay-at-home mom and essentially he taught himself and so did his sisters. Mom just checked their work to make sure it was right. But it was fun because the kids were home.
Anyway, I think I'll probably home-school just because the state of public schools continues to degrade, sadly, and I don't really trust the system to do what's best for my kids. I'm suspicious like that :).
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