Today I felt God...

in a Glee episode of all things!

Season 2 episode 3 "Cheesus"...
Not sure really why it had to be this show that struck me but it was moving. Finn made a grilled cheese sandwich with his George Forman grill and when it came out, it had a picture of Christ burnt on it. So he started praying to Grilled Cheesus. It was pretty funny but sad at the same time...he figured praying to Jesus was like a genie and he gets 3 wishes.
Kirks dad had a heart attack and the believers in Glee club all wanted to pray for him but Kirk announced that he didn't believe in God...but thankfully Mercedes didn't give up.
Sue Sylvester also doesn't believe in God because her sister who has downs syndrom wasn't cured through all the prayers Sue prayed as a child. But even after all this, it was Sue's sister that said "God doesn't make mistakes".
I know it's just a show but this woman is living in a home and is handicapped and if she can believe that she truely wasn't a mistake, why can't I believe that God doesn't make mistakes with me?

So many things have happened in my life where I have felt so abandoned by the one who promised to never leave us. My dads untimely and unfair death was the big one. My stupid choices I made in my younger days. My struggle with infertility. So many things that have been so hard for me to handle and so devistating for me to deal with...but the one thing that I have failed to realize is that I am still here. And I am still standing. I have scars and I may ache when the weather changes but I am still walking on my own two feet. If that's not a testiment to God never leaving me, then I don't know what is. He has brought people into my life to act as a crutch when I stumble. He has given me a husband and two beautiful children that mend my broken heart daily. It's not God who has made the mistakes. It's ME who needs to learn how to handle the trials I'm given because God has a plan for me. I admittedly argue and complain about these trials cuz well... they pretty much suck. My dads death was a huge blow on my faith and I'm still not recovered from that. I doubt I ever will be. And I doubt I will ever understand why he had to get struck down with that horrible disease and suffer the way he did. Heck I don't even pretend to understand a lot of things. But the fact of the matter is, it wasn't a mistake. And me not being able to get pregnant isn't a mistake.. and I had to say it but can't deny that it is in Gods hands. I get so angry about it but that anger doesn't do a darn thing to bring us a baby. It just affects me.

So today I thank you Glee and your wicked and scandalous ways of teaching me that God truely does know what the hell He's doing.

Wow... must watch.

Kristy sent this to me this morning and even if you're not a country fan, this seriously is one heartwarming moving video. Wow is all I can say. I'm sick today and feeling like crud and sorry for myself because I am not staying on top of my training routine like I should be and after watching this video, that all seems so inconsequential.

From Lady Antebellum:
Hello World



AND... if that one didn't get touch your heart, here's the origional video to this song.

Song of the Day- Due West

I promise I'm not being partial but Due West has climbed to the top of being one of my favorite country groups. (favorite spot belongs to Garth-- but they come close).
I listen to this song when I'm running so it's in my head a lot. Can't wait for the video!
Enjoy!

Upcoming Dr Appts..

We upped our medical insurance this year in the hopes that I'd get knocked up but it turns out to be quite a blessing that we did anyways.
Our little Rielly is going to become a frequent guest at Vanderbilts Childrens Hospital over the next week or so.
I took her to our new Dr the other day to check out her ears. She's been having trouble hearing us... which some may say that's the age and selective hearing but it's to the point where she sits right in front of the tv with it blasting just so she could hear it. The dr didn't see any build up or infection but because her tonsils are the size of bowling balls (both my kids have those massive things), she wants her to go see a specialist to see if that could be a cause of her hearing loss. So we go in next week to see the ENT.
She also has been having trouble with her bladder... knowing when she has to pee and all until it's too late. She's had several kidney infections in the past so the dr thinks maybe there's a problem with them again- possible kidney reflux. So this Friday we go to Vandy and have some tests done. We had them done in the past and they were less then pleasant for the poor kid. She's older now and understands more and so I can talk her through it before hand and hopefully that will help.
Fingers crossed everything on both accounts are AOK which I'm sure they will be but I feel a lot better getting her checked out.

Riellys 6th birthday and birthday party and a little reflecting

More catch-up...
With Riellys birthday so soon after Christmas, we've been doing friend parties several weeks later. Partly because we're so exhausted after the holidays and partly because a lot of people go out of town until after the new yr.
So we had a little family party for her the night of her birthday. We ordered pizza and had cake and then she got to open her presents from the family.
The girl is definately unique which I absolutely love. She's not into barbies or anything girly like that. But she loves pets. Anything and everything that has to do with an animal, she is in heaven! So she got a TON of Littlest Pet Shop toys. And I mean a ton! This lady was selling a boatload on Craigslist to I cleaned up. Oh and she got some furreal frenzy pets and playsets.. kinda like zhuzhu I guess.

Then over 2 weeks later, we did a pet party with her friends! SO fun and SO chaotic and we loved it! We had probably about 20 kids including mine and a bunch of adults and it was crazy, crowded and a blast!

Invites were made using the Cricut cartridge I got for Christmas. I absolutely LOVE it!

Sticking with the non-human theme, I went with cupcakes with butterflies and bugs....

And then we just partied! A few crafts, lots of playing and lots of gifts! I really hope I made her 6th birthday as special as she is to me! Well... she's a lot more special to me than any party but you know what I mean!

Now onto the next party! My baby boy gets baptised in 3 weeks!!!! Feels like just yesterday I had 2 babies... and now they are growing up right before my eyes and I can't do anything to stop it!

I was thinking about that this morning... there were days I just wish they would grow up and do things on their own so I can just breath. I take it back! Now I'd give just about anything to go back to the days where my babies were truely babies and hug them tighter and kiss them more and make sure they know how loved and wanted they truely are! I definately make sure they know that now!

You're gonna miss this

You're gonna want this back

You're gonna wish these days

Hadn't gone by so fast.

These are some good times

So take a good look around

You may not know it now...

but you're gonna miss this

We did celebrate Christmas... I promise!

Nothing like getting bikes in the middle of winter!
Our little bitty tree! Before the kids got into the goods!
Checking out what Santa brought. Reese got a DS and all the Harry Potter dvds and Rielly got a Leapster and a new pillow pet named Cuddles.
Showing off what was in her stocking. She did have cute new pjs but ended up getting sick that night and throwing all over them and everything else.
Seeing his Harry Potter box set.
Jon loved his new wallet! Pretty clever eh?

I just got to sit back and watch the magic of Christmas for my children.
More showing their Santa goodies!
He was thrilled abt his HP silly bands!
Jon got me my hat!!!!!!!!!

The aftermath!


It was a wonderful day for all of us! I already posted about our Happy Birthday Jesus party that night! Quiet holidays can be pretty darn good holidays!

Funday Monday

Quick update on my Funday Monday Dr Appt...
but first can I just say something? Of course I can because it's my blog!
Infertility SUCKS!!!
And today I found even more suckiness abt it!
So to me, infertility sucks because well
#1- can't have more kids! Can you imagine wanting something so bad and so much but no matter what you do, you can't have it? It SUCKS!!!
#2- constant questions and well-meaning, yet unwelcome, comments. I've heard it all in the past 4yrs. People who haven't been in this position often times don't know what to say or how to behave and usually end up with the foot in mouth disease and not realize it.
For example:
Yes I know it's all in Gods time. So you don't need to tell me that.. and that it's not my time. That's obvious!
And yes I know it'll happen when the time is right.
And the comment that if you quit trying it'll happen--- It's not true. How do you quit trying? When you're starving, do you just quit trying to eat and hope your tummy will just fill up?
Also don't tell someone who is trying to "just relax". Sure I'll try to sit down, take a breath and hopefully that's going to help my eggs open up and blossom!
A vacation won't help either so don't tell me to take one..although I'd love to right about now! I've taken a vacation with the husband for 2 years and nope.. my uterus is still empty.
I won't get a dog. Getting a dog will not help me get pregnant.
No I'm not ready to start the adoption process. How about you just give me your baby?
Having sex every other day really isn't guaranteed to make it work. But it sure is fun.
I actually do keep my legs up after sex. Very attractive let me tell you.

BUT... I understand it's all well meaning and people really don't know what to say in these situations. I've been there. So I don't really get visibly upset anymore. Because I've heard it all. And tried it all. And we've come to the conclusion that it is out of our hands and it's a medical issue. That sucks.

#3- it's very difficult to find someone who truely understands. I'm worried I'll loose friends over this. People don't want to hear about this. It's depressing! Trust me.. my daily dose of now celexa (I switched) prooves it's depressing. No one wants to constantly hear me whining about it. Just as much as I don't want to sit in a circle of pregnant women talking about morning sickness when I would give anything right now to be throwing up. So it's a catch 22. And I don't know what to do anymore about it....I'm going to loose friends I just know it...people are going to stop wanting to talk to me. It's happened with a few. And that sucks. Because I would give anything to have someone I can cry with.

ANYWHO.....
Went off on a tangent for a bit but here's what I origionally came to post about.
I went and saw a new dr today. Dr Lodge is his name. And I really really liked him. Great bedside manner! So today we began the "process"... tests tests and more tests. Which leads me to:
#4- Infertility sucks because the baby making process is no longer a private matter. They will now be charting everything! Depending on where I'm at on my cycle determines which test they need to take. So today, I'm on day 3 (I have no more secrets guys) and I had to have an ultrasound, exam and blood work done. I'm going back on day 21 to have more blood work done to test my follicules and make sure I ovulated. In the meantime, Jon has to go take a "test" too... I have a feeling his won't be as FUN as mine! *insert sarcasm here*. Then when that's done, we find out where to go from there. If it turns out to be me, some laproscopic shindig will be done to make sure my tubes are clear. Can't wait!!!

The plus side is that there's hope. Whether it's hope in adding on to the Harris clan or hope finding the answers as to why I can't conceive, we are now on the path to knowing what's going on. Even if the answer is no... it will be good to know.

So send good vibes and prayers as we continue through this very difficult and new journey we are going through! Because as hard as it is on me emotionally, it also is hard for Jon and that at times makes it hard on our marriage.