Saturday, January 21, 2012

Letting Go

Confession: I was on a dark road last night driving home from dinner with friends and I was looking at my phone. It wasn't like I wasn't watching the road or anything but I'll call this awful,illegal, and dangerous multitasking. Not sure why but I just put it down suddenly and looked up. A guy was walking down this road wearing black and had I not been looking at that exact moment, I would have not seen him and hit him. There was no voice in my ear saying look up. No powerful kick. But it was something giving me that feeling to look up. I could have hurt someone last night. He was stupid to be walking down that road but still.. it would have been bad.
Why am I saying this? Because I believe this was one of those moments that I truely felt I was being protected by an unseen power. And so was the idiot wearing black on a black road at almost 11pm.
And why was I?
Me- who has basically all but given up believing that God is truely mindful of me. Me- who has pretty much let those I attend church with affect my desire to attend anymore.
Me- who has many times had such anger in my heart that I questioned all I have been taught and almost threw it all away.
Why would I have been saved from a lifetime of regret and flashbacks and knowledge that my decisions not only changed my life but someone elses for the worst?

I don't know.

But I was.

And it is a kick in the pants. It's time to get things back in gear.
Time to stop letting other peoples choices and actions affect me.
Time to be okay that I'm not accepted by many people I worship with.
Time to be okay with the fact that I possibly will never feel another child growing in side me.
Time to be accountable for my own thoughts and actions rather than blaming others. Time to be okay if people don't like me and stop harboring my own feelings of dislike.
Time to hand things over to God and let Him help me with my time.
Time to LET IT GO!

As I was thinking about this this morning and thinking about the things and people and friendships I have lost lately and the feelings I have felt, this song kept coming into my mind.
I hope I can do this.. because it is time.
And it is freeing!

I can still recall the hour
my father told me it was time
to let it go.
Though it's mended wing had made it sing
He said the bird I cared for was not really mine,
Let it go.

"Letting go," he said, "seems to break your heart.
Though it will heal it feels slow to start."
Though the pain burned within me so,
He held me tight so I could let it go.

Years have passed since then,
And so has he, but I still hear his words,
"Let it go."
There's so much of life that can't be lived
When you're still holding on to hate and anger deep inside.
Let it go.

Letting go opens up the heart.
There is a new day hungry to start.
You can't change what has hurt you so,
But you will heal if you can let it go.

All that's wrong in your life
Let it go.
All that is worth saving is love.
Love will hold you tight,
Love lifts the burden,
And love shines the light.
Only love nourishes us so;
If it's not love, simply let it go.

**Michael McLean

I just read this passage that was written in another blog from the book "The Continous Atonement" and I found it appropriate for what I need to remember:

God is bound to love me. It is his nature to love perfectly and infinitely. He is bound to love me – not because I am good, but because He is good. Love is so central to his character that the scriptures actually say, ‘God is love” (1 John 4:8, 16; emphasis added). … Not only did He require me to have faith and confidence in Him, but He is required to have faith and confidence in me. … God and Jesus are bound to believe in me – in my potential and possibilities – even when I don’t. God is bound to be as close to me as He is to any of His children because He is a perfect parent.

He believes in me and that I can be strong again.. because of this, I own it to Him to believe in myself!