Saturday, February 21, 2015


Weather man said it's gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold
Mid-February shouldn't be so scary
It was only December
I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me
But you went away
How dare you, I miss you
They say I'll be OK
But I'm not going to ever get over you
Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I'm not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
'Cause you sing along with every song
I know you didn't mean to give them to me
But you went away
How dare you, I miss you
They say I'll be OK
But I'm not going to ever get over you
It really sinks in, you know
When I see it in stone
'Cause you went away,
How dare you, I miss you
They say I'll be OK

But I'm not going to ever get over you

How I'm feeling today 2/21/15

I honestly don't know how I'm feeling.
It's been 6 weeks tomorrow since we never got to say goodbye to Jon.  6 weeks since I touched and kissed his cold face on the last day I ever got to see him alive before walking away from my love and going home lone for the first time.

But what I can tell you is the pain is so real.  And so strong.  And has not let up.  Everyone that tells me that time will lessen the pain.... it hasn't yet.  In fact, it's worse.  Everyday without Jon is another day without him.  And that is just unbearable!!

I feel ungrateful when I'm sad and don't think about the amazing man that lived and loved and shared his life with us.  I feel ungrateful when I do smile and remember the good times and laugh and have a good time because I'm not crying over the man I lost.
This is why I have no clue what to feel right now.

But what I do know?  He should never have died.  He did not deserve to die.  And I can't accept the fact that he did die.  It's not fair!!  It's not fair that he doesn't get to watch his children grow up.  It's not fair that he doesn't get to finish watching the Walking Dead.  It's not fair that he doesn't get to live out our lives the way we had always planned to do.  It just isn't fair that he is dead!!!!!
I do know that he was an amazing man.  So accepting, forgiving, supportive, loving, patient, grouchy,handsome, gentle, firm.... and he has left such a void in my life that I can't even catch my breath sometimes!

And what I'm really pissed about right now??  We went to his cousins wedding today and I watched his bride and her father share a beautiful dance to the song "Time after Time"... and I realized that Jon and Rielly will never have that dance at her wedding.
And that is NOT FAIR!!!

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Well.... Reality SUCKS!!!

It has a been a great while since I have posted but all that is about to change. Because my whole world has changed and I need an outlet to just write.

I will warn you- from here on out, these postings may or may not make sense. And I don't care. They will contain a lot of swearing because I am a pissed off woman these days. And they will make you cry because I will be crying a lot as I post. And if they don't, grow a heart! So here goes....

The love of my life, my husband, my soul mate, the man of my dreams and the father of my two beautiful children died on January 11th, 2015 at 10:22pm.

There you have it.

It has taken me 5 weeks to even want to write anything about it but I feel I need to. Not just for me but for my children and for him. Because he lived. He lived 36 wonderful years. Well I don't know about the first 22yrs (I can speculate from what he told me but it isn't my place to share that time in his life) but he lived 14yr wonderful years because those are the years I knew and loved Jonathan Wayne Harris. And I will always love him. But now he is gone.

The evening of January 11th, I made our family chili cheese dogs (no longer allowed in my house) and sat down to watch tv just like any typical Sunday evening. Jon had been sick off an on and his ankle bothered him for over a week but that night he was feeling good so he fixed himself his usual girly drink- strawberry Sunny-D and pineapple rum after the kids went to bed and we sat down to watch Sister Wives. I hate that show!!!
If I ever met Kody Brown, I would want to first castrate him and then punch him in the face repeatedly with his pencil penis and my fist. He is such a condescending and controlling douche bag.

Anyways so I was bitching about that and Jon was playing trivia crack and all was perfectly normal. He got up to use the bathroom and came back down and sat next to me and his head fell back and he started making weird snoring sounds. I nudged him hard because it freaked me out and I asked him if I needed to call 911. He said no and for about 20seconds, he seemed fine. Until it happened again but this time, his whole body fell on me and he projectile vomited everywhere. I was already dialing 911 and screaming because I knew something wasn't right. Jon was in and out of consciousness and between the two of us and my adrenaline, I was able to get him on the floor.
The 911 dispatcher was AWFUL and I was basically screaming at him. He kept saying "ma'am I can't help you unless you calm down"... so after a few MANY f-bombs were thrown out at him, my door busted open and paramedics came in and all I could do was stand in the corner and cry.
Reese kept coming down and I told him to get upstairs but he was as freaked out as I was. Rielly was thankfully still kind of asleep at that moment. So they got Jon into the ambulance, I called the neighbors to watch the kids... the last thing I saw when driving away was Rielly in her window crying and watching and Reese at the doorway completely freaked out.

There're other details that remain really un-important to everyone else but me but when I got to the hospital, I was too hysterical watching what they were doing to my husband that they took me into the "quiet room" where I remained until the drs came in.
It doesn't matter to the masses who was there with me but what matters is that when 2 doctors walk into the quiet room and close the door, prepare for the worst. Because they will give you the worst!!! They told me that my husband, my best friend in the whole world, had 2 massive heart attacks and they were unable to revive him when he got to the hospital. So at 10:22pm on Jan 11th, his life left this world, and I wish mine had as well.

As you can imagine, this is very painful for me to write so I will sign off now. Everything is still so fresh.
But I do eventually want to share the strength my children showed from the moment they learned until now. They are the gift that keeps me living.

So here's my warning... I'm writing this here because this is my own personal space in the world that people can come because they want to- not because my woe is me pops up on their news feed. So if anger and bitterness and tears and love and MY LIFE is too much to handle, please don't come here. That is your choice. My hope though is that I can help others who someday, your god forbid, will have to go through this or anyone who just wants a fresh perspective of how real and fresh and short life really is or you're just my friend and you love me and don't mind me bitching about my reality.

Until next time, cheers Jon! I love you more than you'll ever know!