Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Well.... Reality SUCKS!!!

It has a been a great while since I have posted but all that is about to change. Because my whole world has changed and I need an outlet to just write.

I will warn you- from here on out, these postings may or may not make sense. And I don't care. They will contain a lot of swearing because I am a pissed off woman these days. And they will make you cry because I will be crying a lot as I post. And if they don't, grow a heart! So here goes....

The love of my life, my husband, my soul mate, the man of my dreams and the father of my two beautiful children died on January 11th, 2015 at 10:22pm.

There you have it.

It has taken me 5 weeks to even want to write anything about it but I feel I need to. Not just for me but for my children and for him. Because he lived. He lived 36 wonderful years. Well I don't know about the first 22yrs (I can speculate from what he told me but it isn't my place to share that time in his life) but he lived 14yr wonderful years because those are the years I knew and loved Jonathan Wayne Harris. And I will always love him. But now he is gone.

The evening of January 11th, I made our family chili cheese dogs (no longer allowed in my house) and sat down to watch tv just like any typical Sunday evening. Jon had been sick off an on and his ankle bothered him for over a week but that night he was feeling good so he fixed himself his usual girly drink- strawberry Sunny-D and pineapple rum after the kids went to bed and we sat down to watch Sister Wives. I hate that show!!!
If I ever met Kody Brown, I would want to first castrate him and then punch him in the face repeatedly with his pencil penis and my fist. He is such a condescending and controlling douche bag.

Anyways so I was bitching about that and Jon was playing trivia crack and all was perfectly normal. He got up to use the bathroom and came back down and sat next to me and his head fell back and he started making weird snoring sounds. I nudged him hard because it freaked me out and I asked him if I needed to call 911. He said no and for about 20seconds, he seemed fine. Until it happened again but this time, his whole body fell on me and he projectile vomited everywhere. I was already dialing 911 and screaming because I knew something wasn't right. Jon was in and out of consciousness and between the two of us and my adrenaline, I was able to get him on the floor.
The 911 dispatcher was AWFUL and I was basically screaming at him. He kept saying "ma'am I can't help you unless you calm down"... so after a few MANY f-bombs were thrown out at him, my door busted open and paramedics came in and all I could do was stand in the corner and cry.
Reese kept coming down and I told him to get upstairs but he was as freaked out as I was. Rielly was thankfully still kind of asleep at that moment. So they got Jon into the ambulance, I called the neighbors to watch the kids... the last thing I saw when driving away was Rielly in her window crying and watching and Reese at the doorway completely freaked out.

There're other details that remain really un-important to everyone else but me but when I got to the hospital, I was too hysterical watching what they were doing to my husband that they took me into the "quiet room" where I remained until the drs came in.
It doesn't matter to the masses who was there with me but what matters is that when 2 doctors walk into the quiet room and close the door, prepare for the worst. Because they will give you the worst!!! They told me that my husband, my best friend in the whole world, had 2 massive heart attacks and they were unable to revive him when he got to the hospital. So at 10:22pm on Jan 11th, his life left this world, and I wish mine had as well.

As you can imagine, this is very painful for me to write so I will sign off now. Everything is still so fresh.
But I do eventually want to share the strength my children showed from the moment they learned until now. They are the gift that keeps me living.

So here's my warning... I'm writing this here because this is my own personal space in the world that people can come because they want to- not because my woe is me pops up on their news feed. So if anger and bitterness and tears and love and MY LIFE is too much to handle, please don't come here. That is your choice. My hope though is that I can help others who someday, your god forbid, will have to go through this or anyone who just wants a fresh perspective of how real and fresh and short life really is or you're just my friend and you love me and don't mind me bitching about my reality.

Until next time, cheers Jon! I love you more than you'll ever know!


Shawna said...

Love ya girl! I think it's great to document your story.

manda carol said...

Oh Shannon. Reading this literally makes me sick. I can't imagine what you've been going through. You are an amazing person. But even amazing people have the right to be angry. Anybody who has ever experienced loss and grief understands that you feel what you feel. There's no "right" way to feel. Some days are better than others and that's my wish for you. That your days will get better and that you'll know how much love and support you have from Jon and the Angels but also from your friends here too.

Call_Me_Little_'D' said...

Heartbreaking. I love you girl.

MarknSheilaJo McBryant said...

I love you. I posted below about some things including this new, wonderful post. I don't see it.... just wanted you to know I'm here, following you and loving you.

blanche said...

I'm glad you have this outlet. Writing is very cathartic. It helps me process life without vocalizing the pain of it. Jon was a very lucky man to have a wife that loves him so deeply. Love to you and the babies. ����

Nanette Lewis said...

How brave of you shannon! Writing is very therapeutic. I can see why you would rather share on your blog. Sometimes people on Facebook can be really mean or judgemental. Warm thoughts and prayers sent to you and your family!

Nanette Lewis said...

Really brave of you to share your story! Warm thoughts and prayers sent to you and your family. Sorry people on fb can sometimes be so thoughtless.

Lisa said...

I think you are incredibly brave, letting people into your own personal nightmare. It just leaves me in awe and amazement.
I hope people are respectful and allow this to be your place and your outlet.

It breaks my heart that you lost Jon. I love you, and I am so sorry girl. I don't know what else to say, except that I care. Loads of hugs.
Lisa Parberry

Mel said...

I think it's incredible that you have this as an outlet. What a horrific thing to go through, I'm so sorry. I think about you often and really hope you and the kiddos are doing well. I can't even imagine the pain you're going through but I think you're right, this will be a place where we can feel an ounce of your pain and help support you in any way we can. Thank you for sharing your story.