Sunday, November 27, 2011
It sneaks up on me when I least expect it.
It's a silent menance.
It interferes with my life and completely alters the way I think about things.
It pushes people away.
It makes me doubt myself and others.
I hate knowing I have to be on medication for the rest of my life to keep a bandaid on it.
I hate knowing there's no reason I'm suffering from this- just my unfortunate lot in life.
I hate being unhappy.
I hate smiling and pretending everything is great when inside I'm just blue.
I hate the weight that has crept on while I so desperately want to take it off because of the change in meds..I hate the comments being made abt said weight gain.
I hate that the people who I need the most don't understand why I'm struggling.
I hate waiting for the meds to kick back in after I try to go off them and the dissapointment I feel in myself that I can't go off them.
Because right now I am waiting.
Depression sucks. I don't recommend it.
But..tomorrow I'll be just fine!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Stop feeling sorry for myself.
I need to stop remembering what was and accept what is.
Now before you start thinking I had some major life change or catastrophe, no worries there.
It's the little things that I'm struggling to stop dwelling on.
Everyday I'm reminded of how I can't run anymore. Or walk long distances for that matter. I used to walk/jog a bit.. heck walking 7-8miles daily wasn't a big deal for me. It was my thing and I loved it.
But here's the ironic thing: it's because of all this stepping that I can't do it anymore. You see- I have a lot of weight being put onto my tootsies and that only sped up the inevitable.
I've always had them. But they never bothered me before. Until one day, I was walking and suddenly it felt like nails being hammered into the bone on the side of my big right toe. And it hasn't stopped since. The bone is always bruised.
So I went to the pediatrist and they told me what I've feared all along. At this point, the only fix is to have them removed. One at a time!
All I know about this surgery is that it's painful and has an 8week recovery period. My pre-op appt is Dec 12th. At that time, we decide when I should have the surgery. Should I do it right away? Or wait until Jan? And how long should I wait until I have the other one done?
It's just so frustrating because walking was my main source of exercise. It's what I enjoyed. And since I stopped, the weight has crept back on. I've found myself struggling to stay upbeat. And this is completely out of my control:(
So HOW do I stop feeling sorry about all this? And how not to get depressed during the first few weeks that I can't walk. Especially during the upcoming holiday season? I know it'll all be worth it but even when all is said and done, I have to start all over. And since I no longer have my walking/training partner/friend to get me started, I'm on my own.