Saturday, February 21, 2015

How I'm feeling today 2/21/15

I honestly don't know how I'm feeling.
It's been 6 weeks tomorrow since we never got to say goodbye to Jon.  6 weeks since I touched and kissed his cold face on the last day I ever got to see him alive before walking away from my love and going home lone for the first time.

But what I can tell you is the pain is so real.  And so strong.  And has not let up.  Everyone that tells me that time will lessen the pain.... it hasn't yet.  In fact, it's worse.  Everyday without Jon is another day without him.  And that is just unbearable!!

I feel ungrateful when I'm sad and don't think about the amazing man that lived and loved and shared his life with us.  I feel ungrateful when I do smile and remember the good times and laugh and have a good time because I'm not crying over the man I lost.
This is why I have no clue what to feel right now.

But what I do know?  He should never have died.  He did not deserve to die.  And I can't accept the fact that he did die.  It's not fair!!  It's not fair that he doesn't get to watch his children grow up.  It's not fair that he doesn't get to finish watching the Walking Dead.  It's not fair that he doesn't get to live out our lives the way we had always planned to do.  It just isn't fair that he is dead!!!!!
I do know that he was an amazing man.  So accepting, forgiving, supportive, loving, patient, grouchy,handsome, gentle, firm.... and he has left such a void in my life that I can't even catch my breath sometimes!

And what I'm really pissed about right now??  We went to his cousins wedding today and I watched his bride and her father share a beautiful dance to the song "Time after Time"... and I realized that Jon and Rielly will never have that dance at her wedding.
And that is NOT FAIR!!!

1 comment:

Kris said...

I'm so glad that you have a place to share that will be safe for you.
I think of & pray for you & your kiddos every day. You are so brave.