Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong. Sometimes it's letting go.
For the last few months, I've been struggling with the fact that I have made some mistakes and in the process, hurt and have been hurt by people in my life. I just learned that nothing good comes out of talking about others. It always comes back around. And it came around with us and a possible bond was severed. Some days I really don't care because my feelings were hurt.. other days I feel awful and just wish I could go back and fix everything. And I've tried to make things better. Sadly it doesn't always work that way and it this case, it didn't. And just MAYBE it's actually for the best because were we really friends to begin with if there was even a need to gossip behind backs?
I've learned that I wasn't really the best of a friend and I regret it completely... but that's the key. I learned. I've learned what I am looking for in someone I trust my feelings to. I've learned that people who trust me should be able to for a reason and I need to kept that trust. I've learned that things happen for a reason too. And I think for the most part, I've learned too late. Some relationships are toxic... they are relationships of convienance and not of true friendships. They are either give give give or take take take with no happy medium. And I've learned that these are the relationships that either need to change if they are worth being salvaged or ones that need to just fizzle and go our seperate ways.
I never realized the importance of girlfriends in my life until I became a mom and actually needed that companionship of another person(s) who knows my struggles and joys because they themselves are mothers who experience similar situations. And in that realization, I've found that as an adult and as a mother, I need people in my life who build me up... who make me want to be a better wife and mother and friend. Fortunately I have made many friends and aquaintences who do just that and for this, I am truely grateful. I can't expect anyone to only be a crutch for me or I for them and then loosing ourselves in the process.
I was reading a blog and found an entry by a lady named Barbara who basically expressed how I'm feeling about having to just let go. I'm going to copy that for you-- know these aren't my words but they are my feelings.
"This week has also been rather difficult for me emotionally. I had to let go of a long-term relationship, a friendship, which at one time brought much joy and happiness into my life, but sadly has turned sour over the past several months. People can be like plants, in odd ways, and if a relationship is not watered or nurtured, it too can suffer from thirst, its leaves can turn from a bright green to a muted brown, and, like the colorless leaves on the once healthy plant, it too will eventually die.
Sometimes we must let go of people, places and things, even though we still care about them, or harbor good memories, if it turns out that they will provide an unhealthy or toxic element inside of our own lives. Staying free of such compulsions is not easy, and often, the pain of walking away can be very sharp, and pierce a deep wound open inside of one's own heart. Letting go involves surrendering, for our own good, and ultimate peace of mind. Often, we must let go as well to honor and respect the needs of the other person, even if their goals are quite different from our own.
Today, in the middle of all the business involved in my life, I too am trying to walk through the pain of letting go of a friendship that was not healthy for me. This does not mean that I do not feel sad, and I truly miss this person, but sometimes we have to let go to grow, even with the pain and hurt, so we can get to the other side of the rainbow, with the hope that there is still light inside."