Monday, April 6, 2009

Random thoughts for Monday!

I feel like I haven't written for awhile so I figured I should actually write a blog entry instead of just a funny or something. Sadly I don't have anything to write abt so I'm just gonna ramble as I go along.

We have just entered into Spring Break days. Nothing different- just normal day to day activities with both kids to drag along. This morning I decided to work off this weekends crap and went to RPM (spin) class. Usually it's a 45min class but not today- I got trapped for a good hr! But I felt good after. My dear friend and IV poker Sarah took Rielly afterwards for me so I could take Reese to his last yucky dentist appt. I may have posted about the appt he had before this one- where he threw the biggest fit ever! He had a different dentist that he just didn't jive with and didn't hesitate to show it. So I requested Dr Carlos for this one. He did Reeses first crown and tooth extraction with no problems and today was no exception. I had a different kid!! Reese did great! So it's Dr Carlos and Nurse Laura from now on! Sarah kept Rielly for the afternoon so Reese and I could just hang out and it was so nice!

Jons job sucks. They are taking away all his overtime which we have become rather dependant on so we're in the process again of job hunting. I feel like we just got here! But it's been almost 3yrs since we moved to GA so that's not too bad. Not saying we're going to be moving anytime soon but it just sucks that Jons miserable- life is too short to hate your job! So keep him in your prayers as we go through the journey of employment:)

I'm watching an Oprah right now about motherhood and how life changes when you become a mother. So I'm reflecting on the changes I went through as soon as I became a mom. I think I have become more lazy as the yrs have gone by. When I was nursing, I would just sit and feed. When I was spoon feeding my kids, I would just sit and feed. When they were old enough to watch tv, we would just sit and watch tv. So I have spent 6yrs sitting! No wonder my butt has grown! And of course intimacy (sorry mom) has changed. It does get better as kids get older but when you have kids hanging on you alllll day, that last thing I want is a husband to do it too. And being a mom is exhausting- emotionally and physically. And I feel I am never good enough and I'm always being judged on how I'm raising my kids. I compare my kids to others when I know I shouldn't. I compare MYSELF to others when I shouldn't. Speaking of comparing- a friend once told me that when we compare, we're comparing our real selves to their fake selves. Meaning when we're out and about, in church, in social settings, etc, we tend to put on our best faces and suddenly become better than we feel.. know what I mean? So how fair is that to compare my typical life and feelings to someone who is on their very best behavior? But that has become a very bad habit of mine as my kids get older and as I get older.
And I beat myself up because I am unable to have another child. What's wrong with me? Why is God blessing these people with another child and not me? What am I doing wrong? Am I not good enough? Why should I be able to have another kid when I feel like I'm screwing up the ones I have? It's an internal battle that I have going on within myself.
Ahhhh the joys of being a mom!
And it is a joy.
And I wouldn't change anything.
And with anything else in life, this to shall pass.
And I love my kids.
And they are mine.
And they make me crazy.
But I guess I always have been crazy.


burkfamily1 said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It's a real struggle being a mother. It's a daily battle. And we never feel like we're good enough. I struggle with that too every day. I'm a lazy bum a lot. I admit it. And it makes me feel really bad about myself.
Then there are all the other struggles we deal with day to day. And then when you add on top of it a struggle to have a baby it seems like just too much. I know that I've often felt like I was being punished, even though my waits were relatively short. But I also learned a lot. People would say, "It'll happen when it's supposed to," or something like that. But how does that help?
I finally found some peace as I continued to pray and go to the Temple. I found some answers that were tailored for me and they gave me a lot more comfort than people's answers. I'm thankful that we have the Lord to rely on. He knows us so well, and knows just how to help us individually.
I hope that you can find peace. And then hold on to it. I struggle with that one too - every day! ;) I hope everything works out fine for you.

Kenningtons said...

Your last comment cracked me up!! That is neat that you were able to spend one-on-one time with Reese. I'm sure it will always be a treasured memory for him!

Nathan & Michelle Watabe said...

I watched that Oprah too (of course) and was sad that they billed it as "the joys and challenges of motherhhood," but narry a joy was mentioned. My favorite quote from the show was, "We are all trying to love motherhood as much as we love our children." So true. I totally relate with your feelings of laziness. I take the path of least resistance WAY too much. Good for you for going to spin class though. I haven't exercised in two months. Any there I go comparing myself. . . it's human nature, I guess.

RockstarMama said...

Wow, you said it all. I think most people feel this way.