It's been one of those weeks. I'm not even sure how I can describe how I've been feeling lately but I can tell you- it's not pleasant. A mixture of depression, inadequesy, loneliness, overwhelmed, stressed.. and this is all on top of day to day chaos!
So I've been trying to think why this is going on.
Bear with me here while I try to sort it all out while I type.
I realized lately that I really don't feel like I belong or am a part of a unit that I'm supposed to feel the most comfortable and welcome and at home with.
I have guilt when I think or say something that is not in accordance with what others may feel or say... and not because I should feel guilty but because I'm made to feel that way. Make sense?
I am an opinionated, emotional, compassionate person that should be able to think my own way at all times and in all situations.. right? Well lately, I am apparently not supposed to. I am not supposed to disagree with things. I'm not supposed to want something else that others not may want or visa versa. I am supposed to be 100% supportive even when I'm not. And heaven forbid I express myself as much.
Why is this?
Why am I even saying all this?
Oh who knows!
Weren't we all put on this earth to have our freedom of speech.. and even more than that, free agency? Why does it then only apply to certain things? Why should others intentionally try to make us feel bad when we do feel differently? Especially those who are supposed to be closest to us?
And why do I LET this get me down?!?!!?
Yeah me too....
I also feel very forgotten. And that is a very very VERY lonely feeling. And then expressing these feelings takes me back to my issue above-- I can't do it without ending up feeling bad.
What happened to that confident girl I used to be? I'm a women for petes sakes..!!! (who's Pete?) Not just a mom, not just a wife.. not just Sister Harris. I'm a freakin ADULT woman and some reason, I feel more the child than I felt when I was the child!
And what about my confidence??? I 2nd guess everything I do.. everything I say, how people are going to think of me, am I raising my children right, am I doing the right things, am I following the path to be who I am supposed to be, who AM I supposed to be, etc etc etc. AHHHHHHH!!!!!
And then I wonder.. where did Shannon go? When did she get lost? Why can't I find that balance between motherhood, wifehood (if thats a word) and my own individual-hood??? Did I have to sacrafice that part of me or can I still find it somewhere?
And since I'm wallowing in self-pity, I have to wonder that lamest shouldn't freakin care at all thought that I think we have all wondered a time or two... do people like me?!?!?!?!? Am I a likeable person? I'm not writing this for people to say how wonderful I am or to make anyone feel sorry. I just want to have a record of how I feel right now so maybe someday I can appreciate the good days.
Well if you're still wondering what the heck I'm talking about, just know you're not alone. Someday I'll figure it out. But then what will I stress about? I'm sure I'll find something- stay tuned!