Friday, July 31, 2009

Happy Birthday Papa!!!

(I wrote this post little by little over the past few yrs.. I'm not gonna add much to that this yr except change the numbers. For those who read it last yr, sorry. My thoughts remain the same- it helps me remember and reflect)

Today is my dads 63rd birthday. 63 is not old! People live far beyond that. So 63 should just be a yay I'm getting older birthday. I guess the good thing is dad will never have a "yay I'm getting older birthday", right?

Happy Birthday dad.... I know you're celebrating in a far better way than you ever could on earth:) I hope I have made you proud and will continue to make you proud. I know you watch over me.. every now and then when I really need it (and lately it's been a lot), I feel you with me. And because of this, how could I ever deny the truths you and mom taught me? I sure miss you dad.

I wrote this 2yrs ago on his birthday and I still find it fitting today. Sorry that it's 2 years outdated but you'll get the idea:)

Written July 31st 2007

July 31st.. a day that has been a part of my life since I was born. I remember a few yrs ago on July 31st, I had gone back to Az from California and I had the fortunate opportunity at that time to celebrate my dads 59th birthday. 59 yrs of accomplishments and hardships and heartaches and miracles and happiness.. 59yrs of being Earl Lutz. I remember going shopping with Cody (or Chad) to look for his birthday present and we ended up finding him some silly gag gifts. I remember Jim getting him a big plastic tote full of BBQ stuff-- seasonings, a chefs hat, an apron, a grill cover, tools, etc. And you know--life was good. Who would have ever thought that in just a few short months, things weren't going to be good. Who knows how long he was sick for.. but thank goodness we had that day. Now I remember July 31st the next yr. How things changed. What a sad day that was. We had already found out we were moving to GA and we were preparing to make this move. I talked to mom that day.. they had gone to the cemetary. You see... by last July 31st, my dad was already in heaven. He celebrated his 60th birthday with his dad and sister and all his relatives that had gone on before him. What an amazing birthday present for him. But for me, that year was hard because it was the first birthday that I couldn't call or send a gift or tell him Happy Birthday. And now there's today.. another July 31st. This yr seems different... more difficult than the last. My dear friend Natalie was right when she said last yr it hadn't sunk in yet that he was actually dead.. this year reality has set. So I have been dreading this July 31st for awhile now. Just like I dread each Fathers Day. But sitting around crying and being depressed is everything a birthday isn't. A birthday is a day to celebrate. So I am focusing today on celebrating a man who lived on this earth for 59.5 years. A man who is no longer sick and suffering. A man who went before us.. to be there to help us when our time on earth is through. I am celebrating the fact that I am healthy--that my body isn't fighting some awful disease that could take me away from my family prematurely. I'm celebrating the fact that I can see the beautiful blue sky and hear the birds singing.. that I am able to take my kids on a picnic and watch them laugh and play at the park and know that I am able to do all these things because on July 31st, my dad was born. So Happy Birthday Dad. You are truely missed and loved so much and I will forever celebrate July 31st..and every day before and after it until I am able to celebrate with you again. I am grateful for the life you had and the choices you made and how much you loved my children..LOVE my children.. I will always remember your sense of humor and your smile... that smile that you always had no matter how much pain you were in- or how worried you were. And your very last second here on earth, you smiled. My greatest gift I could give to you today is to smile and to remember you that you lived and the life you had... and to live my life in such a way that I will be able to return to be with you again someday.

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