Saturday, April 3, 2010

Woe is my uterus....

This isn't to easy to post cuz I'm at the gym on the treadmill using my blackberry but maybe this will help me keep my mind of the sucky sucky exercize I have to endure. Crap my back hurts already!!!
Anywho- tonight has been a downer. Can't really pinpoint why but being an emotional female has to do w/it.

If you've been a reader for awhile, you know that Jon and I have been struggling w/infertility since feb 07. So just over 3yrs now. The first year or so sucked I will say. I tracked my temp everyday. Took a bazillion pregnancy tests! Sometimes 3-4 times a day in fact. After that phase past, I tried to just say screw it (not so possible). Around the 2yr mark, I went and got tested and everything checked out ok. So we just decided to let whatever happens, happen. Then I went through the give up, it'll never happen and just be happy with the 2 babies we got (with no difficulty getting pregnant mind you). I guess that's kind of my feeling right now- or I'm trying to make it so anyways but thats a front if I'm being honest with myself.

The hard thing- and quite exciting at the same time- is watching wonderful ladies who were struggling in their journey w/ me finally graduate and then give birth to their precious miracles. And then I see dear friends and family concieve w/out ever experiencing that saddness that has cruely been titled "infertility". Why do I have to be? I was once fertile. Where did this cruel twist of fate come from? Some have said I should just be content and blessed w/what I have been given. My reply? I truely acknowledge the wonderful gifts and blessings that have been entrusted to Jon and I. But is it wrong to want to enrich our lives further? We are in the best financial position we have ever been in but that has nothing to do w/it bcuz we were barely surviving when Reese joined us. We're both in much better shape but then again I was heavier when I got pregnant w/Rielly. And shield your eyes but it definately isn't for the lack of trying. I'm 30 ya'll! Mama hit her peak!!! And we're happy darn it!!! So why now? And I've said it before and it still rings true... Never ever ever tell me it'll happen when the time is right or when I least expect it bcuz after 3yrs of hearing that, its insulting.

So now im finding myself crawling back to that lonely and discouraging place of "why me?" We have a plan..and thanks to a dear friend (I miss you T), we have an alternative *no we're not taking her baby but that is tempting*. But in the back of my mind, I fear that this is it. That it won't work and its time to move on to the next stage. While that's exciting, I want to take that step on my terms! Our terms!
So how did you like my pity party? Don't you wish you didn't crash it now? Next time, bring a gift! Preferably chocolate.. and a diet coke.

Wow.. I got through 30min on the treadmill while writing this. Pretty impressive huh? I may have to do this more often to get through the hell.. I mean joy of exercizing!

this was my big ol preggo belly Christmas day 04.. just 4 days before Rielly joined our family!


Becca Sue said...

Clomid baby. I'm not going to say it works for everyone, but it did for us. Without it, we wouldn't have our two girls! I couldn't imagine life without them! Good luck..keep your chin up...and never apologized for needing to vent!

Kenningtons said...

I always thought one of the hardiest trials in life would be not having control over the size of my own family (not that that's you...just saying!). I'm praying for you girl!!!