Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Just... Keep... Breathing...

I am totally going out on a limb here and sharing something very personal with my 3 readers... and the rest of the world.

First of all, welcome to yet again another one of my pity parties. I worry that I burden friends and family with my constant whining and complaining so I guess writing out my feelings is the best way to get things off my chest and try to pick up the pieces and move on. Eventually anyways.

The last 2 weeks have been pretty rough. I think had the first incident not have happened, the rest would be more tolerable to deal with. But it did. And I didn't really have time to deal with it before everything else happened.

You see... this is where the hard personal stuff comes in. As you 3 know, we have had fertility issues for several yrs. Well 2wks ago, I saw 2 pink lines. And they were beautiful. Especially after never thinking I will ever see them again. And yet there they were.. faint but there. Another test... 2 more pink lines and even darker! And of course I told Jon and we were so shocked and so happy...so happy. And at that moment, our lives were being planned around baby #3. A baby we have wished and hoped for for so so long.
Well.. anal me, I decided to take another test later on. That one said negative. What?!?!?!?! Maybe I just peed out all my hormones or something. So I went to the dr the next day to have a blood test done. That night the clotting started. And I knew right then what was happening. After the clotting, shortly later I started bleeding. And our hopes dissapeared. And of course the day after, the dr confirmed what we already knew. The little bean didn't stick. So it was early enough without much pain and passed pretty easily but it was very heart breaking. It IS heartbreaking.

Then the flood came. You all know about that.

Then the storage unit damage which you know about as well.

So after all this hitting all at once, I had just about enough I could take. I have become a nasty cranky moody mean person. And I don't want to be! But I worry this is who I have become and who I am.

And then we get a call that on a normal day, maybe a normal person could handle. But I'm not normal anymore. And I couldn't handle it. It was our insurance about the storage unit. Come to find out, our policy includes water damage caused by a leak or a broken pipe or something. But NOT floods. I know.. it was all just stuff, blah blah blah. But now it's stuff that we are going to have to come up with a way to replace. We registered for FEMA but really.. a storage unit isn't even a priority compared to how much others lost! So I lost it.
I went off on the storage unit people.. I guess I just needed someone to blame and she was the one that answered the phone. But at the end of the day, she won't even remember who I am and that's a good thing. But I'll remember what was lost.

And to add to everything else, our house isn't selling. It's sitting there. We're throwing money at it basically every month. A lot of money. And nothing is happening. And our contract w/our realtor ends today. So we have to make some decisions and soon because we're at the point where we want .. no we NEED to have a bigger place to live. We have to get our of this apartment. My kids need space. I need space. Jons car won't last much longer and we'll have to replace that too. And now we will have to replace a lot of furniture and misc stuff that we lost.

So needless to say my friends, I am empty. I was full of stress, of anger at God and whoever else crossed my path and full of just saddness. And now I'm afraid I'm just empty. I need to somehow try to pick myself up and try to see the good in all this but that just seems impossible right now. I need to stop yelling at my kids and at Jon and stop being this person that I don't even know anymore. But I don't know how and I don't know if I'm ready to learn right now.

So like I said, if I already didn't have such heartache and saddness over the loss of something that was never really mine.. just dangled in front of us.. I wouldn't have allowed all this other trivial stuff to add on to it.

But I did.


Christine said...

Don't feel bad venting. Infertility is such an all-encompassing big deal! And big deals like that make everything else seem a million times worse. But I figure it's better to let it out if it helps. I'm so sorry you've been having to go through all this. I'm still rooting for ya.

Margaret said...

Sweetie. I am so sorry about the baby. If you need to talk just let me know. If you read my blog you will see how well I am dealing with infertility...NOT.

I am sending house selling vibes your way. We sold our place in 4 hours so it is hard for me to understand but of course that was before the recession.


Gina said...

You don't know me and I'm probably not one of the three people you mentioned who you know follow your blog. I've been reading you for a while now and enjoy your posts a lot.
I am writing today to tell you that I'm sorry for all you're going through. Sometimes it seems like when it rains, it pours. I've had some health issues of my own and it seems like with every corner I turn, something else is dropped in my lap. I went back to the dr. today, in fact.
I just want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings. And...your feelings are totally justified. I know it makes you feel bad to grump at your kids and husband, but we are all only human and we sometimes need to grump at someone. Like I've been told, "God never gives you more than you can handle", I question this from time to time and get angry a lot but then the rational side of me says that maybe I can handle what He's given me and maybe I got it because someone else can't....

At any rate, it's nice to meet you and I'm sending you a hug and a smile. "This too shall pass". It will and you'll be better for it.

Thanks for writing!


The Foy Family said...

I hit "next blog" and found you. Your struggles and sorrows are real. I pray that you'll find peace and have joy again.

Kenningtons said...

I'm so sorry for all your losses- especially the two pink lines. It makes me so sad Shannon! I'm not going to pretend like I know how you feel but I am so sad for you. I hope there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel for you very soon!

Laurice said...

I am so sorry you are having to go through all of that. When it rains it pours. I just hope it doesn't start raining at our house!! Sounds like you need to come visit us for Memorial Day. We still have Rees's swimsuit from last year.

Christy Jett said...

Hey Shannon. I've been a little behind on my blogs but finally caught up on yours. I was so sad to read this post. I hope that you are doing okay - I know the loss was heartbreaking. I've been there once before myself. Please know that you have friends (like me!) who love and adore you and are here for you whenever you need them. I know we don't talk often but you really touched my while you were living here. I don't have many friends but I always felt comfortable with you. You have a great spirit and a beautiful family. Remember your many blessings and the love our Heavenly Father has for you.

HUGS from Woodstock (((((HUGS)))))